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Reciprocity

The word of the week is by far my favorite word and I think I will get it tattooed on me somewhere one day.  The word is :

RECIPROCITY

Reciprocity basically means you scratch my back and I will scratch yours.  What goes around comes around.  The golden rule.  A mutual exchange.  You get the picture.

Honestly, one of the biggest problems in my life is other people not meeting my expectations.  That sounds a little horrible, but you know what, there is nothing wrong with having standards.  I am the kind of person who is willing to massage a friend for an hour so I am pretty fucking bummed when all I get in return is a shitty 5 minutes.  Or when you are really generous in bed and your partner doesn’t even try. So lame.  Or maybe a friend is coming in from out of town…so you take off work and drive 2 hours to the airport to pick them up and take them out for dinner….but when the tables are turned your friend doesn’t make any efforts for you at all and your ass is sitting on a bus.

I love this word because it reminds me that I deserve something in return for my efforts or whatever, but it also reminds me that I also need to make sure that I am doing my part.  Keeping this word in mind keeps me on my A game and helps me make sure I don’t take any crap.  Don’t treat people like doormats and don’t let yourself get treated like a doormat.

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Comfort Zone Crushing 3 (IMPROV)

So, I didn’t shit myself. WOOO    I was nervous the whole way there (there being the Improv meet up), but once I got there it went pretty smooth.  The instructor of the class was really good.  There were several different exercises and everything was pretty fast paced so you really don’t have time to think about being nervous.  I actually had a lot of fun and I think I may have just found a new hobby.  This just goes to show that you should try new things.  Push yourself outside of your comfort zone and you might just find something you really like.  I went to this meet up group nervous and wondering if I would shit my pants,  but I had a great time and will definitely be doing another one.

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Comfort Zone Crushing 2

Today is the day!  I’m so nervous I don’t even want to go.  I have been trying to come up with so many reasons not to go, but I’m not going to back out now.  I might be dying.  The nervous thumps in my chest are just proof of how bad I need to do this.  The hardest part is getting started.  Comfort Zone Crushers here I come…

30 minutes later

 

So, I was the first one to arrive at the building.  I began looking for other people who might be in the group …luckily I was approached by someone else pretty quickly, so I didn’t have to stand there feeling like an idiot for too long.  Eventually we had a sizable group, about 20 people.  We stood in a circle, introduced ourselves and then we started.  The first challenge was to lie down in a populated area for at least 30 seconds.  I live in Stockholm so it’s not hard to find a good place.  I laid there for a little while and took some pictures of my feet….I then thought I might could just browse Pinterest or something, but I decided that was too easy, so I started looking people directly in the eyes.  I laid there for about 5 minutes total.  I got a few looks.  Two people asked me if I was okay and this one couple walked by and looked down at me with sheer disgust on their faces, but other than that nothing happened.  It was a good challenge and I felt good afterward. The next challenge was to go stare at people through a restaurant window while they ate.  Now this group of people I chose to stare at were troopers.  They totally knew I was there, but they didn’t even look at me.  I was actually a little surprised.  However, I could see people behind me in the reflection and they were looking at me funny.  There was also a waiter who saw me.  The first time he saw me he thought there is a person there, the second time he saw me he thought that person is still standing there how odd, the third time he saw me he thought well damn and he waved.  I waved back, started laughing and ran off.

Those were definitely good challenges for me, but the toughest part of it all was the fika afterward.

FIKA:  Swedish Tea Time… snack time.  Coffee chat with pastries.

Anywho,  the hardest part for me was talking to these people that I did the challenges with.  You have the three kinds of people. The kind that are in your inner circle so it doesn’t really matter what you do…they still love you, and you have the people that you don’t know at all and will forget about soon after you see them, and then there is that awkward group that you kind of know, but don’t really know and might have to see again later so you are trying real hard not to fuck up.  So, yeah.  For me, the real challenge was socializing at the fika, definitely something I need to work on.

Overall I got what I wanted out of this challenge.  Before I went to this meetup, I was lowering my music volume so my fellow pedestrians wouldn’t judge my taste in music and now I listen to my music loud and proud.  I still have a long way to go though.

My next challenge for myself is to … I don’t even want to tell you.  If I tell you that means I have to do it. Damn.*Sigh* I found an improv meet-up group.  I am getting nauseous just thinking about it.  I think that if I can get over myself that I would have a really great time, but I am also highly aware that I may very well shit myself.  Wish me luck.  I will let you know how it goes.

 

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Fredrick the Donkey

At my high school graduation, my principal told us all a story.  It was about a donkey that had fallen into a well.  I liked it quite a lot and was reminded of it today when I was watching Catch Me If You Can.  In the movie, there were two mice in some cream.  One mouse drowned to death and the other mouse wiggled so much that the cream turned to butter.  So, anyway here is the donkey story:

 

A donkey fell in a well.  We will name the donkey Fredrick.

Fredrick was stuck in the well for many hours while the farmer tried to figure out what to do. The farmer couldn’t figure out a way to get Fredrick out of the well.  Fredrick was an older donkey anyway, so the farmer decided to let him die in the well.  The farmer knew that Fredrick would stink after he died, so he decided to go ahead and bury Fredrick. It was too much trouble to help the old donkey.

So, the farmer began shoveling dirt into the well.

At first, Fredrick didn’t realize what was happening to him and he began to cry.  A few shovel loads later something happened.  Fredrick realized that if he just stood there he would surely die.  He looked around for a way out.  Fredrick looked up and knew that the only way out was up.  Just then a shovel of dirt hit him in the eye.  Oh that did it.  Pissed Fredrick the donkey smooth off.  He shook the dirt out of his eye and stepped on it. He shook the dirt off of his back and stepped on it.  Fredrick shook every mother fucking shovel of dirt off him and stepped on it.  He shook and stepped his way all the way up and when he got to the top, he put his dirty hoof in that farmer’s ass.  Then he left and lived happily ever after.

 

Okay, so that may not be quite how the principal told it, but I just had to add some personality. Anyway… sometimes, bad things happen.  We can either sit there and cry or we can shake it off.  Don’t be a dead donkey or a drowned rat.  Fight for your life.  People will try to put you down, but other people’s words do not define you.  Unforeseeable events may set you back, but they are not the end.  Shake it off, step on it, and rise to the top.

 

 

 

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Comfort Zone Crushing

Introvert just a walkin’ down the street, singin’  Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy….who is that person on the sidewalk there?  Better turn down my music.  God forbid some one hear what I’m listening to.  What will they think of me?  The world as I know it is ending.  Oh Shit! There is another pedestrian…head down, don’t make eye contact…maybe they won’t notice that I am here.  You know what they say… introverts make the best ninjas.  J/K No one says that.  Ah yes, social anxiety at its finest.  If you don’t know what I am talking about, thank fucking Christ, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. If you do know what I am talking about, know that you are not alone.  I can’t even walk down the damn street without second guessing myself.  Houston, we have a problem… Life is hard, but let’s think this through.

I know it’s hard in the moment, but let’s try to keep a few things in mind.

  • No one gives a fuck

Really, odds are, no one cares…at all.  They don’t even notice you anyway…don’t worry about them.

  • What is the worst that could happen?

It’s not as if your one true love is going to walk by and dis you for your poor taste in music.

  • So, some weirdo does have something to say about your music…

So what?  Big deal.  If you walk by and someone judges you for what you are listening to/wearing/whatever…that person is probably not a person you want in your life anyway.

It’s clear we have some irrational fears to work on.   Baby steps…baby steps.  So, I found this meet-up group called Comfort Zone Crushers that I’m going to try out.  It’s supposed to help you get out of your comfort zone, obviously.  We will see how that goes.  I will let you know how that goes afterwards.  In the meantime, I will challenge myself by listening to whatever I want without worrying if a random passerby hears it…because that is a real problem I have…sometimes I worry about me.  We’re going to get through this.

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The Importance of Mundane Tasks

Okay, so it’s 2 pm… I’m in my pajamas.  I have been awake for a while now.  The bed is not made.  Haven’t eaten, haven’t showered.  The make-up that I’m surprised I had enough energy to put on yesterday is still smeared across my face.  The apartment isn’t looking too hot either.

One of the reasons I think I have so much trouble getting my shit together is because I am depressed.  Well duh.

Depression is an all consuming demon from the deepest pits of hell.  Don’t underestimate it.  It takes you and turns you into a little useless ball of putty.  It robs you of all your energy.  It tells you that you can’t do it and that there is no point in trying.  You don’t want to do anything, other than tear yourself down even more. You just lay around in your pit of self-loathing, kind of waiting to die…or at least I do.  

So, what do we do?  Some of the best advice really, is just to “Keep Swimming.”  Sometimes I can’t help but roll my eyes when I hear the words morning routine, but honestly routine has power… a lot of power.  You are depressed.  Why are you depressed? Probably because your shit’s not together.

Let’s face it,  we are never going to have the dream lives that we have concocted in our heads if we can’t nail the basics.

I have always been a fan of lists.  I love lists.  Lists sort of gamify things.  I find great satisfaction in marking a task off the list.  The longer I make it down the list, the more accomplished I feel.  Here is a list I have made for myself.   So, without further ado, let the games begin.

  1. Get out of bed at a decent hour. (If you don’t have work, 8 am is fair, if you do have work get up a little earlier than usual)
  2. Make bed immediately after getting out of it.
  3. Drink a glass of water.
  4. Put on exercise clothes
  5. Take a short walk or  if feeling spiffy a real workout would be great.
  6. Quick shower
  7. Coffee and breakfast
  8. Tidy up home
  9. Get dressed for the day
  10. Hair and face

These are basic ass, no-brainer, mundane tasks, but these are important tasks that have to be done.  When you are feeling like shit, the last thing you need is to look in the mirror and think Damn, I look like hell.  Some fun synonyms to disorganized are confusion, mayhem, madness, turmoil, and my personal favorite, PANDEMONIUM.  Clean your house.  Keep it clean.  Put things back where they go.  You will thank yourself later.

 

 

 

 

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Identity Crisis

When you do successfully reach your goal, in what way will your life be different?

This question was in a fitness questionnaire I did and it gave me quite a bit of anxiety.  In what ways will my life be different?  I don’t know.  I imagine that I will be happier and healthier.  I will have more energy and self-confidence.  Maybe I will get hit on more often.  Perhaps when I look in the mirror I won’t recognize myself.  Maybe by changing I am admitting to myself that I wasn’t good enough before.  What will my family and friends think?  Do they even care?  Am I ready to hear… “Oh, you have lost so much weight.  You look great!”

I know that I am not as happy as I could be currently, but I do know who I am.  Who is this happier, healthier me?  What will she look like?  How am I going to feel when people like her better than me?

I never imagined that there would be so much fear and uncertainty attached to the idea of bettering myself.  It is hard to imagine myself any different than I am now.  When I try to imagine a better me, it is like waking up with someone else’s face on.

It wasn’t until I read this question that I realized that I was holding myself back.  My fear is my own enemy. How to overcome this fear, that is the question.  Why can’t I just accept a better me as a possibility?

I myself got a little stumped on this blog post, so I decided to take a break and go on a walk to mull things over.  So, after some alone time I was able to put together a little list of thoughts to help us cope.  So, when you’re thinking that you’re not ready for change or get offended by a compliment you can read this list.

Little List of Thoughts to Help us Cope

  • Change is rather slow.  Change doesn’t happen overnight, so it’s not like you are going to wake up and not know who you are.
  • Compliments are NOT AN ACT OF WAR.  Wouldn’t it be more offensive if no one noticed?
  • You are still YOU. You are now just taking better care of yourself.
  • Oh, and it is not like it has to be permanent!! You can always go back to being the way you are now (SOMEHOW THE MOST HELPFUL)
  • Guess What!?  Who decided to go on a transformation mission?… you did.
  • Who has the strength and will power to reach the future goal? … you do.
  • BAM
  • Came from you! It is not like some one else came along and possessed you.

 

 

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Starting from the Bottom

I find myself in conversations with people that are so much better than me.  I suppose that I am lucky for having these people in my life.  They are an inspiration…  but conversing with them always leaves me feeling a bit like a failure.  One person will talk about their PhD, another will talk about how hard it is to find the right vision for their company, and then another will tell about their mission to give education to all the poor children.  Don’t get me wrong, all of this is great!  Absolutely fantastic!  BUT Then someone turns to me to ask me what I am up to and I’m like

“Well, currently I am in the process of determining the flavor of potato chip that is stuck in my cleavage.”

It was chipotle cheddar btw.

Straight up…. I have no real education, am overweight, dress like a FRUMP, um uh in between jobs, and have basically no social life.  This is not where I want to be.  I don’t think anyone wants to be here.  I love looking at ‘perfect people’. I love watching YouTube videos with the ‘perfect people’.  I love reading blogs about the ‘perfect people’.  It’s a problem really.  But comparing yourself to others doesn’t help at all.  It just makes you feel worse.  It is good to have inspiration, but let’s make sure that it is inspiration and not a trigger for self-loathing.

I have been wanting to start a blog for some time now, but I have always felt like I wasn’t ready.  Who would read it?  I have no fashion sense.  I am not healthy.  I am not successful.  If I just wait a little longer… once I get my shit together then I can start.  NO.  This is exactly why I have to start now.  I love looking up to people who have their shit together, but it is hard to put myself in their place.  I am thinking like that is them, not me.  Well, it works for them, but it can’t work for me.  But what if it could… I want to prove that it is possible to achieve your goals and that people are not just born that way.  It will be a change and take a lot of hard work, but we can do it!!     yay

please forgive my cheesy last sentence

 

 

 

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Identifying the Shit

This blog is all about getting the shit together.  So, what is the first step to getting the shit together?  Identifying the said shit.  What is this shit you are gathering and why are you gathering it?  I have felt like my life has been unraveling for sometime now and I am always saying that I need to get my shit together, but nothing seems to change.  I have been thinking about it in the abstract, but I have not clearly laid out my goals. Everyone has different shit to gather in order for them to feel effective or happy about life.  Down below I will provide a list of my shit and in later posts will let you know how the gathering is going.

MY LIST OF SHIT:

Health/Diet/Fitness…(HOT BOD)

Education/Financial Security

Self-Confidence

Social Life

Make a Difference

Sense of Style

 

P.S.  When you start to gather your shit, make sure that it is your shit that you are gathering and not someone else’s.  People like to put their ideals on you and you can begin to question what you want for yourself.  When you are imagining what you want your life to be like, do not ask others what they think.  This is about you, not them.  Self- improvement is about the self.  Don’t make changes for others, make them for you.